


Offered First

by thiskindofshootingstar



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Healing, because that's all I can write apparently, some sage Madi wisdom as is her forte
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 22:48:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16207259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiskindofshootingstar/pseuds/thiskindofshootingstar
Summary: After landing on the new planet, Octavia is offered a chance to heal.





	Offered First

This landing wasn’t nearly as free and uproarious as the first one she had experienced. Everyone was much more cautious, looking around in awe, but keeping close together. After all, this wasn’t a group of juvenile delinquents that had never seen trees before. Even the grounders, who she would’ve expected to be a bit more flabbergasted at the soaring city buildings, seemed more scared than excited.

They’re remembering the City of Light. The thought hit Clarke hard. She would have to help with that—they didn’t want another grounder exploding a building to get rid of the evil tech.

Everyone filed out of the Eligius and was welcomed by the new world’s existing inhabitants, albeit a bit warily. That seemed to be everyone. Clarke turned back to the mayor who was talking about where they would set everyone up for the time being. Movement at the Eligius caught her eye.

Octavia stepped out of the shadow of the ship. The breeze puffed at her face and hair softly, like an old friend. Octavia closed her eyes and inhaled deep. For a brief moment, she looked more at peace than Clarke had ever seen her, but it vanished as soon as she opened her eyes. Octavia stepped off of the ramp hesitantly, a marked contrast to her jumping down as “the first person on the ground in 100 years.” Instead of joining the group, she slipped off to the side, heading for a spot away from all the people that had crowned her blodreina before deposing her in favor of another Commander.

“She’s been lost for so long,” Madi was beside her, looking at Octavia as she went. Madi looked up at Clarke gently. “She could use some help finding herself again.”

Clarke pressed her lips together in a stern line.

“She threatened to kill you, Madi.”

“She knelt to me. She supported me in the battle. She saved your mom and Kane, even after he betrayed her. She was going to die so Bellamy, Gaia, and Indra could escape after they tried to overthrow her.” Madi stated simply. She looked up at Clarke, a bit challenging this time. “She bore it alone for six years. She’s forgiven everyone… but she can’t forgive herself.” Madi smiled a bit to soften the sting. “Sounds like someone I know.”

Clarke looked at Madi, but knew that that last line was coming from someone else. 

“Forgiving yourself is easier when someone else offers it first.” Madi watched Clarke for a moment longer, before turning and walking off with the others. Clarke let out a shaky breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding in.

***

Octavia followed the sound of bubbling water, but in the middle of a neighborhood, it was a fountain she found instead of a river. The double sunlight glinted off the trickling water fiercely, making it look as if it was lit from within. There was no one around, the inhabitants of the town having gone out to see the new visitors from space, so Octavia sat down, finally free from the hostile or pitying looks that followed her everywhere on the Eligius ship. Not long ago, she would’ve been angry, would’ve snapped at everyone who glared or scoffed or shook their head. But all her anger was gone, burned up with the earth they left behind.

A shoe scuffed on the ground behind her. Octavia closed her eyes. Apparently this spot wasn’t removed enough. Hopefully they would just pass by, leave her be.

Instead, she heard the intruder come closer, until they sat down a few feet away from her. It was Clarke.

“You’re not going to swim in this one are you? Though I expect there’s no worms in it.” Clarke’s words were light but they sounded forced, tense. Octavia didn’t respond and Clarke looked down at her lap.

“You don’t have to worry. I’m not gonna kill anyone,” Octavia tried to be sardonic, but it just came out sad. Clarke sighed.

“I’m not worried about that,” Clarke said. Octavia finally looked over at her, brow raised. Clarke rolled her eyes. “Okay, maybe it crossed my mind once or twice. But that’s not why I came.”

She didn’t continue, and Octavia didn’t question her further. Clarke was clearly struggling with this, but finally managed to get the words out.

“I know what you did. In the bunker. During the Dark Year.”

There it was. Octavia looked down at her lap, her hair falling like curtains to block her face from Clarke.

“I know why you did it.” Clarke continued, softer. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. And…” Clarke hesitated and took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry you had to bear it alone.”

Octavia had to fight so hard to control the raking sob that threatened to come out at those words. She maintained her outward composure, but the words absolutely floored her.

“Listen, if you need—” Clarke stopped herself abruptly. It took her a moment before she continued. “I know what it’s like to be forced to do something so terrible you can hardly live with yourself. It seems impossible to forgive yourself, but—“

“Have you forgiven yourself?” Octavia interrupted, turning to her. “For Mount Weather? Tondc? Finn?” It came out too harsh. Clarke gasped a bit. It seemed she had been fighting to hold herself together too.

Clarke raised her face to meet Octavia’s eyes.

“Some of it.” Clarke nodded. “Most of it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly forgive myself entirely. But I’ve made peace with my decisions.” Clarke titled her head a bit. “It’s hard to forgive yourself. But if it makes it any easier, I forgive you.”

“I don’t deserve forgiveness,” Octavia replied.

“Maybe not. But forgiveness isn’t something you deserve, it’s something given.”

Octavia didn’t respond, and Clarke didn’t say anything else after. She stayed for a while, the two women sitting in a silence heavy with emotion from past burdens, but then she got up and left Octavia to her thoughts and the water trickling in the fountain and falling from her cheeks.

**Author's Note:**

> This was slightly inspired by a meta I did on Octavia and her relationship with the four elements and the characters those elements represent (mainly Clarke=water and Bellamy=fire). This focuses solely on her relationship with Clarke as I think that after everything each woman has had to bear they would be the ones to actually understand each other. And after all, Clarke has a history of offering forgiveness to damaged Blakes that have made decisions with terrible consequences.


End file.
